Did you ever?

Did you ever have a dream that didn't come true?
Did you ever think you would be somewhere else in your life then where you are now?

That's where I am now. I know that sometimes I get in these so called "ruts" and I dig myself out and move on. But, even though I hate harping on the same things over and over again, it's reality. I'm 27, I live at home, I make minimum wage most nights, I've been single for three years running and I won't even get into some of the negative aspects that go along with that. My excitement over going to UCI and getting my education has been severely dampened this, my first quarter. I'm terrible at Spanish, lost in Monsters and Borders and loving Colonial America. The more troubling aspect is not the lack of understanding certain classes, but the fact that I'm seriously disappointed in my effort level this quarter. I'll admit, the transition has been a tough one (see my previous blog entry) but part of me still acts like this is community college. You know, where you can ease into the sixteen week semester, skip reading assignments and still get A's on everything. I feel about as smart as I did in high school now. Everything about this quarter feels like community college. I go to school, I go home. I don't have the time to get involved in school activities or they seem to fall on days where I have to work. In fact the only thing not like community college at this point are my grades. I was so proud of the fact that I hadn't skipped out on any classes for two solid years, while I worked to get myself up and out of the hole I had dug myself into when I began community college. Now, this quarter, I've thrown it all away. I've missed classes, recently due to illness (which I hate) and also because I'm just so frustrated with everything.

Most people have a plan, right? They have a general idea (salute) of what they want to do with their lives. And even if they don't, they fake it and do something productive to pass the time and pay the bills. I remember in high school, people always assured me that I was young and that I had plenty of time to figure out what I was going to make of my life. Granted, I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm also not a young kid anymore. I have to figure this out now and look at the bigger picture. I can't make minimum wage for the rest of my life or I will never reach any of the goals or dreams that I had when I was a little kid. The other day, a friend pointed out to me, as we discussed where are lives were currently at, "welcome to life, it's not always where you thought it might be". I guess that's the adventure...figuring out what you can do as an individual to get yourself to where you want to be.

Maybe I'll never be famous (some might argue, I'm more likely to be infamous, thanks friends). In sixth grade, I wanted to be an NBA player. Then reality set in. I'm a shade under six feet tall, Caucasian and not very skilled. Time to form a new plan. Time to actually put the work in to get where I want to be. I had this crazy idea that I could watch as much TV as I wanted, continue to do things the same way I always did and I would magically be able to succeed in school and life. Funny thing is, that's not working. Things aren't going to get accomplished for me, are they? I know that I can't be a hermit crab like one of my friends and completely seclude myself for two years and drop off the grid. But I also know I can't continue going the way I'm going. It's simply not going to work. I'm the only one who can change my outcome and win, lose or draw, it's about time I start trying.